My fading sanity

I can't be assed to deal with these people day in and day out. I can feel my sanity slowly going. I don't really know whether or not to break down and cry or break down and punch someone in the face. If I didn't have so much goddamn strain this trimester of school, I wouldn't feel so bad. Here is a list of things I need to do:

• Get a job
• Get a driver's permit
• Apply to colleges
• Graduation Project Paper
• Graduation Project presentation
• Graduation Project website

While small, this list is filled with some pretty huge things. And this is just the beginning of the school year!! Not to mention my grad project teacher keeps laying on layer upon layer of work. I'm not even done with the rough draft of my paper. Now I'm worried that I'm screwed, that I won't be able to graduate. Everyone's putting a huge amount of stress on all these ridiculous fucking things and I can't handle it. Great. Now it feels like I'm going to vomit. I can't focus on my work at all. I honestly keep trying to start it, but my stomach hurts, I feel nauseous, and I'm in such a terrible mood. I'm really sorry for bitching, I just want the week to be over.

Caviar

Fighting everyone that I see
Learning when and where not to be

I'm complaining a lot lately. And I hate complaining a lot. So, this will be a change of pace.

You asked me if we'd still be together a year from now. You asked me if, when I headed off to college, that we'd still be together. I laughed at that question. Of course I would laugh. Darling, when we made our future plans, I meant it.

I'm applying to college. I'm planning on being 30-45 minutes away (60 minutes, at max). I'll be able to drive, so I'm coming back every weekend. Question is, are you going to be there waiting for me? I hope so. I'll see you today, and that will make today better. I'll see you again tomorrow and then we'll be together Friday as well. Everything will be wonderful, and we'll get through the week. I promise.

You, speak of awe
and make every word taste sweet

Vapidity

Why must I surround myself with people that are so goddamn boring and so annoying?
No one here says anything of any importance. It's draining all of my energy. And then they wonder why I sit here with my music extremely loud, and why I use headphones that rape your ear. So I can't hear their stupid shit.

Honestly, it's real irritating when people tell you about their life. And not the interesting stories like, "You'll never guess what happened to me yesterday............. lololololololololol!" No, nothing like that. The people that are telling me about their life are people who relate every single detail that you don't give a damn about. "So, I painted my nails the prettiest pink yesterday, but they must have gotten ruined while I slept!" or "Yeah, I just got this new app for my phone that makes all the other apps run 1.5% faster!". Bullshit.

Disappear

Haven't you ever wished that you could just go away in a cave, disappear from absolutely everyone, and never contact anyone? Haven't you ever wondered what people would think in that case? How they would wonder where you've gone? They'd say, "Where has my friend gone?" They'd say, "where has my child gone?" They wouldn't know.

I wouldn't do it out of hate, or the fact that I want to be alone, or that I'm depressed and I just don't want to deal with people, I'd just want to do it just to see what would happen. I would do it just to see how people would react to someone completely dropping off of the radar. I wouldn't even leave my home. I'd just stay inside my house for a year. I'd tell my parents not to let anyone in. I'd tell them not to give me the phone when my friends would call.

Then I'd show up a year later. I'd act completely normal. Everyone would ask me, "What happened to you? Where have you been?" and I'd say, "Why did you ask? Did something happen to me?" and they'd say, "What? You've disappeared for an entire year!" and I'd say something to the effect of, "No I haven't, I've been here the whole time." just to mess with their heads.

There's only one person I would tell, and that's because I could never do that to her and make her worry like that, because I love her.

Another day

Back to the old grind.
Get up at 5:45
Shower until 6:00

If status = still tired
Yes: Go back to sleep until 6:40
No: Stay awake & browse the interbutts

leave at 7:00
catch a bus at 7:10-7:20
arrive at school at 7:30
sit in hallway until 8:00
classes until 3:35
hang around until 6:00 (6:30, at the latest)
etc. until anywhere from 10:30-2:30
brush teeth
sleep
repeat

Profound thoughts

Don't you just wish you had something profound & deep to say, every time the situation calls for it?

I sure wish I had something like that to say at the beginning of these blog posts. However, this isn't the case.

I'm feeling better compared to my last post. Again, these blogs must be helping.

You know what pisses me off? Ugly people. Not simply their looks, but just all around ugly. When the very words that pour from their mouths are just terrible abominations of the English language, that's what pisses me off. A prime example sits across the classroom from me. I can hear her all the way over here, and it slowly fills me with disgust. It sounds like she has a lump in her throat. I can feel her ugly words inside my head, filling it to the point where they're spilling out of my ears. It's not like I can just ignore her, because everyone in the room is quiet, and there's no-one else I can talk to as a palate-cleanser.

Anyways, I'm pretty proud of myself because I worked for an hour straight, and that's saying something. I decided to take a break to blog. I've only 20 minutes left in this class. Hopefully these last 20 minutes go by smoothly.

I'm not in the mood for this shit.

Why can't the world just back the fuck off for at least one day, so everyone could leave us the fuck alone & we can just spend time together?

I don't want to be in this school today. I'm annoyed by almost everyone here except for at least 3 people. I don't want to talk to anyone in school today. I only really want to talk to one person, and they know who they are.

I told you. I'm fucking annoyed.

I'll laugh today. I'll smile. I can't promise it won't be fake though.

Why can't anyone just see that I'm not in the mood for stupid shit? I just want today to be over.