Monday, January 10, 2011

Obligations

What the fuck is my problem?
Like, why can't I just learn to tell people no?
I shouldn't feel obligated to do everything that everyone asks me.
I bet you that if some random person comes up to me
and asks me to do something, I'll probably do it.
Why can't I fucking say no?

And then when I do say no, or make up some excuse why I can't, I feel bad. Like I'm letting that person down.
I'm only fucking human
and I don't want to stay after school Tuesday, Wednesday, and Friday for the next two weeks.
especially since I'm already staying on Monday and Thursday willingly.
Which means I'd be here every day for the next two weeks.
Fuck that.
No.
No.
No.

I'm going to work up the courage to tell you that I don't feel up to this
and I'm extremely sorry
and I would love to
but I'm already fucking stressed
and this bullshit will just make it worse.
because I can't do it. If I stay at school every single day this week
I won't have time to do homework
So I'll cut into sleeping time
And then I'll be tired for school
and then I'll give up doing homework
and then I'll give up on school
and then I'll fail.

I'm done.
Fuck you.
I'm done.





On a completely unrelated note:

I miss you :(

Saturday, January 1, 2011

A New Year, A New Start.

So, it's been a year.
5/12 months had been the best months of my life.
7/12 months--not so good.

However, I know the next 12/12 months will be wonderful.
Because I'm with you.

Happy New Year.

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Melodious Melodies

Twinkle twinkle little star, how I wonder what you are.

Have you ever stopped to just look at the varying subtleties and intricacies that come with a melody? Something like Twinkle Twinkle.

CC GG AA G
FF EE DD C

Simple little notes. 6 different notes, played in such a way that is easily recognizable by anyone within earshot of the piano, and the pianist playing the little tune. However, what honestly makes these 6 little notes work together? What if it went:

CC GG CC G
FF EE FF E

It's not the same anymore, is it? Sure, it could be a song of it's own. However, if you've ever tried writing a song, you know from experience that certain notes just don't sound right when you put them next to each other. I couldn't give you an example off the top of my head, but just think about it. Say you started off with one simple note: C.

Where do you go after C? You kind of play around a little on the ivory and ebony keys of the piano. C#? No. Not quite right. Not what you're looking for. Gb? No. Too... flat. Then you start to get bold. Go where no man's gone before. maybe you go to G? you test the key. you play C, then G, both being half notes. You realize that maybe, just maybe, if you played C twice and then G twice, it would sound better. So you do. It sounds wonderful to your ears, so you quickly scribble it down.

You continue the pattern of testing out which notes go well with the previous one you've found. All of a sudden, you've got a masterpiece. You put lyrics to it, and you've got a wonderful song on your hands.

Now, who are you to say that going from CC to GG sounds good? I bet there is one person out there who doesn't like that transition of notes. One person out there who shows distaste for the soundwaves that enter their ears when they hear C-G. It's nothing personal, they just don't like it.

And that's the beauty of songwriting. When you write a song, you're not keeping in mind, "oh god, do people like the way this sounds? How about this? Or this?" You're writing what you like to hear; you're writing the chords and notes you want to play.

So, who am I to say "you can't play C and then G#!" For fuck's sake, go out there and play ybour goddamn C and then G#! Because I can't tell you that doesn't sound right. And if I tell you that it doesn't sound right, I'd be damned if I could prove you wrong.



Look, I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about. It's just a thought that came into my head & I rolled with it.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Melancholy Hill

I hate how now, I can't figure out if my plans and thoughts are because I'm crazy or not.
Like, I can't figure out if I'm making plans because of a mental disorder or something
Or if I'm making these plans because I actually want to complete them.

However, I know when I'm not being crazy.
I'm not being crazy when I say I love you.
I'm not being crazy when I say that I just want to wrap myself around you.
I just want to surround you with myself, draw you into me, and keep you there.
I just want to hold you close and tight.
I love you.

I want you here. Because with you I'm not crazy. Because you're my medicine. When you're close to me.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

You think you're so damn funny because you can post things like "hahahahahaha", and you think you're so awesome cause you can hide behind Facebook comments and say "hahahahahaha".

Well you're not.
and you're not.
So fuck off.

Monday, November 1, 2010

NaNoWriMo

The month of literary abandon is here, and I'm so damn excited!
I've started my book. I'm 777 words into it. My goal for Nov. 1st is a 5k run.
1667 words a day.
1552 if I finish this "5k First Day" challenge.
Word warring with my friends.
Let's fucking do this. Let's write a book.
This, my friends, and the best fucking girl in the world are the only things that are good in my life right now. Honestly that makes my eyes water, because it's fucking beautiful and simplistic.
Who knew trying to write 50,000 words in 30 days would feel so good?
I'm exhausted.
I don't want to be in school anymore. I'm freezing, tired, and I just want to curl up under the blanket & be with the best girl in the world.
I miss you